Date: 2001/02/14 00:24:32 EST

To: The Lady portraying raine

From: Sandtiger

Subject: An Admission of Guilt

Tal, greetings, hi, and all that jazz.

If I might, let me have a moment of your time to say something. There has been a wrong committed. A wrong between two people, no, a wrong between one woman and one extreme, egotistical, self-absorbed, belittling asshole. You see, a little while ago, a woman, a special woman, admitted her feelings to this asshole. He took it into consideration and twirled it around in his head for a bit before saying what she wanted to hear. Unfortunately, upon Gor, this happens too often. It also happens too often in the real world, where this incident took place. This beautiful, caring, intelligent, and selfless woman took the time to learn about this man, to care for this man, to love this man. There were so much unbiased, unconditional feelings and care given to this man, that anyone would be jealous and envious. He recognized it and feigned to give the same unconditional feelings in return. For months this went on, this woman believing in this man and this man lying. His reasons? He dwelt on a past love long parted from him and he wouldn't let go and move on. He didn't think that anyone could ever replace her. He kept his heart locked up, buried, cemented over with a foundation of self-pity and threw away the key. Disgusted? Yes, I am. How could someone deny a love given so freely? Why would he? Ignorance, plain and simple.

By now you should have figured out that this asshole, this demeaning, self-indulged, egotistical, uncaring "man" was I. Sandtiger is a character and persona I play, but I am real person, the man behind Sandtiger. It was ME that hurt that wonderful woman. He ignored her, probably the worst thing you can do to anyone. Not acknowledging another persons presence while all they do is things to make you happy, to make you smile is a crime that I am guilty of. Small thoughtful messages in the early morning, small messages during the early evening. A prayer here and there, hopes of return and safe passages, all of these things. The little things that you ignore mean so much to the people who send them or else they wouldn't take the time to do them. I ignored her, and worst of all, I ignored her when she was right there in front of me, taking time out of her busy schedule to visit and be with me. I treated her like property, like a slave. This might be fine in Gor, but this was real. I misused her and turned my back on her, and in turn, I lost her. Lost someone that deserved better, much better than what I had done to her, and for that, I'm sorry.

We all have feelings, even though we act like nothing bothers us. Being macho doesn't mean you have to be an asshole. Being tough doesn't mean you are not allowed to cry. Being a man doesn't mean you can demean and belittle anyone else, especially a woman. What makes you a man is being able to admit you were wrong, giving in to feelings every now and then, knowing the difference of right and wrong and doing what's right, not some of the time, but all the time. All of these are good in helping to discover about how to be a man, but what really makes you a man? A woman and her love, and you being able give it in return, unconditionally.

Baby, I apologize for I haven't been a man since we met. I haven't been a caring man when you cared for me. I have been judgmental, temperamental, and I misused and deceived you. There is nothing left for me to say to apologize or for me to prove my pain to you. Yes, pain, because ever since I last saw you, I have regretted saying what I did. Deep within, there is only more pain. I'm not trying to make anyone feel pity for me, but what I'm trying to do is prevent this from happening to others as it did to me. There are many out there that are experiencing this everyday, but try to shrug it off as if it doesn't bother them, and that is a bunch of crock. All it will do is build up and build up till it erupts and you end up destroying a great relationship, be it between lovers or friends. Don't follow my example, you might lose more than you will ever realize. You might lose a good friend or lover. You might lose yourself. You might lose love.

This is my admission of guilt, my wrongdoing upon a woman who didn't need the pain I have caused. I hope something is learned from this. I hope that this helps someone out there to realize what is going on. I hope this doesn't happen to someone else.

Take time out to think about this and maybe you can change or save someone. At least make someone smile. A smile is a wonderful thing and its simple to do and can make anyone's day better. I hope one day Lady, you can smile when you remember me.

I'm sorry.

Me

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Date: 2001/02/14 00:59:40 EST

To: You who portrays Sandtiger

From: Lady portraying raine

Subject: response...

I love you too...